slow words and meanings
Lately I have felt this disconnect or lack of interest in some things here. I feel like some plug was pulled and the social and interpersonal energies drained out. I have felt more like being alone and doing longer walks. Finding some places to sit in the mornings with coffee and words. People can pass by. Everyone here has whatever their likes or missions are. I personally do not do things I dislike doing. I guess with people I feel the same. Somehow Khmer and expat people exhaust me. The forever socializing something like this wedding party coming up scares the shit out of me.
People I don’t know want to know me. I’m the token barang or so. Some speak no English so my wife translates. Thank goodness they get tired of all that and wander away. I just sit politely and wish to be a few light years distant.
I have never been a social animal. When I worked I had a few professional colleagues that would refer to me as friend. I never quite felt that way. They just seemed like people I was expected to deal with. Personal friends became less and less. Retirement and leaving seemed to further drain the reservoir.
Finally getting here it has felt like whatever remained of a desire to find friendships has melted. I’m just no good at people things. I have realized more of this lately here in this house.
So I just listen to what the voice says. It says,
Go have coffee and walk.
I do that. It might say,
So and so has issues. They say one thing and mean something else.
So how does the voice know? No idea. I just am along for the ride. What I do though is not put myself in skewed or awkward places where the voice starts whining. It whispers plaintively,
Told you so. Told you so. You should listen.
So I figure out it somehow knows. I’m a loser. A winner. I am asocial. Vindictive. Not a people person. Yeah. Hear it.
Meanwhile I will go have that coffee. Alone. Because I’m pretty good company for myself.
slow day arrives
Coffee alone comes along soon. I’ll take you along for the walk. Maybe even a photo or two. I think this thing will actually percolate for some time. Maybe until lucky Friday 13th. I feel like writing is slowing down these days. I love writing daily but I have this sense I need something different. I’m just along for the ride really. Its an easy thing to go publish some words. Now that I am back writing on 11ty, files are words. In a way, I change to a very nice blog service like sometimes I test out different diary and journal apps. I appreciate them. Something though is just missing and I can feel it when I get going. Maybe the missing and the part that persists is what this blog covers. My little missing parts. Then the parts that I include.
I don’t feel rushed to make this a thing. There’s no YouTube monetization or likes or subscribes. I’m thankful for that. We each find our thing. Some people I watch here start wanting to document their lives. Maybe being able to look back a year ago and seeing where they were. The differences now. The video shows them the pieces of life then. Now is now. But many move on from daily vlogs to a schedule they feel captures their life still but also gives them time to create. I think just taking my time writing and saying a thing is done when its done is good. Who knows though. These things just become the slow walk to other things. Like my life here.
So here we are. Friday 13. Seems fitting.
☕️ 4 min read